A recent SumOfUs petition begins with those magnanimous words: “Apple is about to rip off every one of its customers. Again”. Ha! The sentence is Holy Writ. Canonize it into the Gospel of Tim Cook, who, extending the metaphor. is like the Apostle Paul, whose discipleship took Christianity forward but beyond Christ’s shadow. We all know the hallowed story of the Jesus Phone, and how humbly Steve Jobs saved humankind from Satan (Bill Gates) and ushered in the post-PC era. Snicker. But only under Cook has Jobs’ aspiratonal doctrine spanned the globe, under the glow of a billion bitten-fruit logos.

That, my friends, is how you offend two religious groups, with the Apple Faithful the more-likely vengeful. Hell hath no fury like—you know the rest. But seriously, I mean no disrespect to the esteemed Jobs (God rest his soul) but to his successor, who made Apple a giant among publicly-traded  corporations, and you pay the price for it.