A recent SumOfUs petition begins with those magnanimous words: “Apple is about to rip off every one of its customers. Again”. Ha! The sentence is Holy Writ. Canonize it into the Gospel of Tim Cook, who, extending the metaphor. is like the Apostle Paul, whose discipleship took Christianity forward but beyond Christ’s shadow. We all know the hallowed story of the Jesus Phone, and how humbly Steve Jobs saved humankind from Satan (Bill Gates) and ushered in the post-PC era. Snicker. But only under Cook has Jobs’ aspiratonal doctrine spanned the globe, under the glow of a billion bitten-fruit logos.
That, my friends, is how you offend two religious groups, with the Apple Faithful the more-likely vengeful. Hell hath no fury like—you know the rest. But seriously, I mean no disrespect to the esteemed Jobs (God rest his soul) but to his successor, who made Apple a giant among publicly-traded corporations, and you pay the price for it.
Lofty-pricing isn’t new at Apple, but the money-making machine is fine-tuned to squeeze shekels from melons under Mr. Cook’s oversight. There are two principles at work “Pay more” and “Buy more”, and the headphone jack belongs to the latter. You do understand the heresy about which I speak, yes? Internet rumors, and we know how reliable they are, assure us that future Apple hardware will dump the standard 3.5 mm audio jack for the company’s own Lightning connector. At the least, millions of people will be compelled to buy adapters, while audio manufacturers must choose among standards or supporting several.
The petitioners are either naive or crazy—perhaps both! “Only a massive international campaign can force Apple to change course now”. Sure, they met their 210,000 signature goal (217,058 as I write), but their force of will is little more than an army of ants marching into Tim Cook’s office. A few may sting hum, but one call to the exterminator and it’s colony crushed. He knows that the Faithful would never show such apostasy, and they are his customers—the true believers willing to pay more or buy more to brandish the Apple logo.
From on high, looking down from the bully pulpit, Cook and Company allegedly prevented Volkswagen from demoing Apple’s own CarPlay technology during CES 2016. The petitioners should set their expectations lower.
Editor’s Note: A version of this story appears on Frak That!