My fake mafia money-lending TV commercial (making a point about how attitudes have changed regarding what’s a high interest rate):
Scene opens with a handsome, greying man dressed in dark suit and tie standing by a burning fireplace, holding a glass of red wine. The hue is yellow.
“When I was a kid, people scoffed at the 25-percent interest rate we charged, ah, borrowers. The Feds and the newspapers called it criminal. Our lending business was no-nonsense. Our clients got cash on the spot, no credit checks. No borrower refused. If you didn’t pay, we took it out of your skin, or business.
“We’re the mob, and we do business the old-fashion way”.
Jumpcut to twentysomething dressed in light grey suit, red tie, and olive shirt. He moves to stage right and expressively uses his hands. “Today our business is tame. Banks charge 29 percent, even 39 percent APR. What a scam. They borrow money from the Feds at 0 percent and lend it to you for rates higher than ours—and we’re called criminals?”
Jumpcut to the older man, who walks away from the fireplace towards the camera. “We earn the money we lend. We run profitable businesses and trust you, the borrower, with cash coming out of our pockets. We don’t skim taxpayers by lending them their own dough, taken for free, at interest rates they can’t afford to pay back”.
The younger mobster moves into view, so they’re both standing left and right with the burning fireplace centered behind. “If you miss a payment, the bank jacks up the interest rate and ruins your credit rating. We guarantee our rates, even if you miss a payment. That’s the mob’s new business pledge to you. Our 25-percent rate won’t change”.
Cut to the older guy, closeup of his upper torso: “We offer many convenient payment plans. Hell, one of our boys will come round once a week to collect. That way, you can pay cash. It’s what we prefer anyways”. He smiles as he says this.
The younger man steps forward to center stage. “These greedy bankers ruined the U.S. economy, our livelihood and yours. They don’t care about you. But we do, because we want our money back. You’re an investment in our children’s future. As long as you look after your payments, we look after you”.
The older man steps forward, so they’re both standing closer together center stage. “Some of you risk losing your homes. We understand. We have families, too, and they’re important to us. They mean everything. You’re trying to meet your monthly mortgage, but owe the bank more than the home’s current market value. But the heartless bastards won’t refinance and plan to foreclose. We have a special service just for you”.
The younger man interrupts. “We guarantee that after one of our agents”—he pauses—”visits your lender, your mortgage will be refinanced to the fair-market value of your home, reasonable interest rate and monthly payment you can afford. Our fee for this remarkable service is small—1 percent interest of the home’s pre-refinanced loan, conveniently collected once a month on a day you choose.
“We offer many other unique services to help you better manage debt. Ask one of our friendly agents”.
The older guy steps forward: “Don’t get ripped off by banks. You’ll end up borrowing from us anyways”—he stops, cocks his head and chuckles—”once they’ve ruined your credit”.
The two men stand side by side and say together: “Sure, we’ll break your legs if you don’t pay, but we won’t ruin your credit rating”.
Photo Credit: 401K 2102